Climate change?

I don’t know where, why or when……but somewhere between now and my last blog……the climate has changed. The sun is shining- everything looks and feels so much better in the sun. No. I’m not talking about the weather, I’m talking about a climate change in me. No. I haven’t been drinking! Well not yet anyway!

I don’t really know what to attribute the change to – work hasn’t been any easier, my studying hasn’t eased up, my friends and family haven’t all moved down south to be near by, nor have I won the lottery and am on the cusp of living in the lifestyle I dream of! Yes, the hormones have left on mass, but they are sure to make a reappearance very soon! I haven’t had more contact from afghan to boost my major ‘battery’ (that sounds sleazy, but it’s not meant to be!). I just feel better.

What I have been doing is a bit of planning, things to look forward to. Things for the major and I to do together, when he returns from tour. Yeah I appreciate that I’m not going to make up for a whole six months of not seeing each other, but I’m going to make damn sure he enjoys being back in Blighty! I also have huge reservations about planning a future given that he is currently on tour in a hostile area, and that he’s not even half way through that tour. I book something and then feel guilty for assuming that he will be able to do it, and then feel guilty for thinking that something bad might happen to him between now and then. There are no guarantees in life, regardless of whether or not you are in a safe or hostile environment. If anything, my work highlights this to me on a daily basis. Today I had a conversation with a patient who wanted guarantees that they would be here to spend Christmas with their family…..no one has that power! Especially not me! And treatment is going well for them. My next ‘chat’ was with a relative to help them see that their loved one was not going to be able to recover from this episode in hospital and that time was limited and that they should tell their loved one the things they want them to know.  All this before I’d even had my morning coffee! Jeez! 

So i’m planning fun things to do with the major- it’s a must! Having things to look forward to, time spent together, doing what you enjoy (mind out the gutter folks!) makes the time apart seem less scary. Particularly when I have planned wee things that I know he will love (bike rides with picnics, afternoon tea with champers- he’s very in touch with his feminine side) and a few big things- a city break to Prague, flights to San Fran in October (excited much!). 

Life is precious. Too precious to worry about all the things that could possibly happen, but possibly won’t! So folks tell your loved ones that you love them, and no that doesn’t mean a big card on valentines day, tell them in your own way everyday, that way it’s more special. Don’t let life pass you by.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m sure in the not so dim and distant future, I will start to fret more (again!), worry about everything (again!), and feel generally less sunny in my disposition (again!)! I’m a woman, therefore I’m allowed. But at the moment I’m going with the flow and doing what any couple would normally be doing, and that’s planning a future. And right now I’m so excited about it I could pee my pants!!!! 😉 x

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Thank Wifi It’s Friday!

It’s been a bad week for a number of different reasons. I spent the weekend at home in Scotland. And it’s home. It’s where I feel like me. I know people! I know where to go for things! Above all I have my friends and family around me. The drive back down south is emotional. I leave my family, and by the time I get to the border I have stooped crying!! Don’t get me wrong there are so many benefits to living and working down south. However its much better when the major is here and I have my sounding post to listen to my woes (OMG I sound like a total bag of laughs!).

So the long drive home really never helps my Monday mood. Plus it’s Monday- the day I wish I’d won the lottery at the weekend, and could turn off the 5.45am alarm! I love my work, I love being a nurse and working with the group of patients that I have specialised in. But there are days where what I do is really hard. Monday was one of those days.  A lady I had a lot of input with sadly died. I was with her when she passed away to keep her company. I hate the thought of a person dying alone, when family aren’t able to be there. I then went into see another one of my patients and things weren’t going well for her, but we didn’t fully appreciate why until Wednesday. Already Monday has seeped into Wednesday which isn’t good when Monday didn’t start well…….and my hormones had decided to visit on mass!!

Finally the only friend I have down here is moving away for about six months (now if I was in her position I would do the same but that’s not the point)! Just great! Nearly two months into the major leaving and I’m having another week to forget! Actually have I had a week to remember??The song ‘all by myself’ is on loop in my head!

Then by the wonder of Internet at ridiculous o’clock this morning my phone starts buzzing with messages- the major has moved to a spot that has great wifi connection! Now I know he is a man and is totally unawares of my bad week and hormonal surge, but somehow when I need that boost he’s there! I’m not talking deep and meaningful messages here, just every day stuff! Banter from Afghan! And it’s just the tonic I need. To top it off he skyped tonight! Wow! I’ve not seen him for nearly 8 weeks and all of a sudden there he is….sitting in a laundry room somewhere in an army barracks in afghan! So far away, but yet so close! He looks well- its so comforting to see him! We chat and plan what to do when he comes home, and I get to tell him about my week, and vice versa.

Sometimes the bad days are hard to see past, its difficult not to feel sorry for yourself,  and not to feel alone. It just takes one special person to make you realise how lucky and fortunate you are. By the magic of wifi my mood has been lifted, my bad week has melted into the past and it’s only four months until the major comes home for a holiday and my future looks brighter. ‘One day like this’ by Elbow is now on loop in my head, and the wine is chilled and ready to go!

 

13th- unlucky for some?

40 days done (that surely can’t be all??) and 117 until the Major comes back for two weeks R’n’R. Oh.My.God. This is dragging by! And I’m keeping busy! I’m working four longer days to cut down on travelling so much, doing my prescribing course, organising study days at work, studying, feeling sorry for myself, seeing my patients, phoning home to let family know I’m still alive, joined a gym (ok I did that in February but didn’t have much motivation to go), rollers so that I can work out on my bike if I get in too late for the gym (a very challenging thing to master for one who has no balance whatsoever!) and playing candy crush on the iPad! See! Busy! But yet I feel like there are periods where I don’t know what to do with myself, and have too much time with my head space.

It hasn’t helped that ‘coms’ haven’t been great over the last week or so, a couple of random messages and then a phone call. Aw the phone calls. Where to start? What do I tell him when he phones, what do I hold back? (Hiya! It’s great here, life is just peachy!) I don’t won’t him worrying about me, he has a squadron to make sure he brings home safely to their loved ones! That’s a lot of fretting for one person! That feeling of hearing the familiar safe voice and being so excited……only for the excitement to vanish as information is imparted. If he’s having a bad day- I feel helpless at not able to do anything. You can’t talk for any length of time as minutes are limited, you can’t text reassuring stuff, as they aren’t received, you can’t just offer a ginger hug, which tends to help a lot. Then I fret about him. This week his leave has been delayed by a week. Doesn’t seem like a big issue, 7 days, but that’s 7 extra days when you haven’t seen someone in five months! Plus if family have organised get togethers, I am the one left to tell them, and then feel bad that they are being let down. And then I fret about them. And him. He has limited access to Internet, and so he looked up the joint visa bill and then I feel like he is having a go at me. Something’s are like water off a ducks back- somedays. Other days, age old insecurities kick in and then paranoia. Am I spending to much, what did I put on the card? I’m then upset, and feel like a drain on him, emotionally- as I’m down here essentially by myself now, and financially- as I’m putting too much money on the card. Then I fret about me and them and him. That’s a lot of fretting for one person! See! Far too much time with my own head!

And then, this morning the card arrives…..the ‘I Miss You’ card, all the way from afghan, with the Majors scratchy writing, his thoughts and feelings all on a wee card. He is going through the same as me, what should he tell me, what should he hold back. His days are long, in a different way, his insecurities are heightened, his paranoia is playing up. And then he frets- about me. Pure hunners of miles away, in a hostile environment, he is worrying about me. And for some strange reason the world is seems back to normal again, and the fretting and anxiety are worth it. And it’s only 117 days til he comes home…………………

One month down (five and a half to go!)…

A bit of background……after living a nice life with my cats (yes I know very stereotypical!) and a few mistakes along the way, I met a soldier, in fact a Major. After a period of wining and dining, or supper as he called it, we fell in love and lived happily in Glasgow, living the lifestyle of the not so young anymore with wine bars on our doorstep. Wonderful!

Until he was relocated down south. Okay I knew it was coming, he had been very honest from the start, but given my relationship history I thought he’d dump me soon, or I’d get bored and be back to devoting my time to my cats! But no! This guy thinks I’m a keeper! So do I stay or do I go? My moto has always been no regrets, and so I packed up my house into a very small van and moved my life to Englandshire. New village, new job (my usual 15minute commute to work has turned into 60minutes), strange water and lots of people who really don’t get my accent (or dry sense of humour!). However, I have made the most of this change and taken on the challenge with the enthusiasm of a toddler at soft play. That was until the Major left for a seven month tour of Afghanistan. Gutted!

It’s been a month since we had our tearful goodbye and, I have to be honest and say it is the longest month of my life! I mean, I lived happily (or so I thought) for a number of years by myself. But this enforced singledom is just not nice! I think the worst part is that I’m in a bit of a no mans land where I see close friends getting on with life, and doing the things that couples do, and I’m stuck- between jealousy that they are able to do the things that I want to be doing with the Major, and not wanting to plan things for when he is back just in case…..which is a horrible thought, and every time it sneaks into my head I give myself a hard time, but I can’t stop the what ifs….

It is strange experience going from texting, speaking and living with someone, to very little contact. And when there is no contact searching the papers or the news for any incidents! It certainly keeps the old ticker in good order. And when there is contact trying to play down the mild panic and stress of previous days. Being a typical, emotional woman, having a bad day is hard.  It’s hard not to be able to share it with your loved one, particularly when you know they are out in a hostile environment dealing with dangers everyday. So not being able to fit into your jeans is probably not the top of his priorities at any given time! I miss him terribly, and it can take a song on the radio or an innocent comment for someone that brings it back and hits me, rendering me in a state of near tears! I am trying to be good, and maintaining that happy go lucky facade for friends and family, but inside isn’t doing do well.

It’s going to be a very strange couple of months, one of ups and no doubt lots of downs. I think it will definitely give me a different perspective on life, particularly knowing that the man I love is out there with his squadron keeping us safe. I feel immensely proud of him 90% of the time, and then when I think about it-I’m shit scared 100% of the time!

Maybe it will get easier as the months go by……… That remains to be seen. Hopefully I won’t bore you with it too much……….